She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
