Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
