I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
