Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE