If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
