I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?