i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
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I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
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Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever