you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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