i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
