So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
