no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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