I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
