i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
