OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
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i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
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ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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