She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
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I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
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We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
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