im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
