im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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