I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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