Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."