A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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