I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
