I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
