There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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