"it" just moved
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
