No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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