Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
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Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
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Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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