Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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