cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.