i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
lets start a swedish sibling band together
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days