Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
