How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
