I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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