I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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