I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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