I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.