I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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