i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
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So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
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We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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