he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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