I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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