Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
COCAINE IS GR8
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
