im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
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Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
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So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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