She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
