sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
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We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
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Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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