Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
