So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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