I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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