Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
