god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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