he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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