Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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