how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
