my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
